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Jetsam

by Devon Halliday

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1.
Jetsam 04:04
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Flashback to failures I've forgotten Better now I ought to know Holding tight to things that feel like falling Trying to keep it all intact until the will comes back Flash floods and trials up on the TV History can't hurt me, though Hope dies last and severed from the past I'll make my little life a boat For every man must float to his own relative shore But tonight I feel uneasy Dread an itch beneath my collar I can bear these hopes so heavy But they're jetsam if they hit the water I shouldn't miss what was never mine Half-price on moderate ambitions Silly that I wished for more Home comes calling Which seat will I fall in when the music stops And whose hand do I hope to hold? Have at me, I'm out of excuses Sit me down, I'll do this cold Hoarding phrases and justifications Everything I saved them for is already overboard And I'm rowing out to shore But tonight I feel uneasy Dread an itch beneath my collar I can bear these hopes so heavy But they're jetsam if they hit the water I feel guilty all the time I'll bury sticks and stones And if they come for me I'll lie there on the shore In their company I'll want for nothing more But tonight I feel unsteady Dread an itch beneath my collar I can bear these hopes so heavy But they're jetsam if they hit the water I know better, I know Fast clocks, the shit that people talk The limits that were self-imposed My god I'm barely strong enough for all the kinds of love I'm carrying home And tomorrow these words will fall apart, all grandiose and dark, I know Hold me to it, salvage all my ruins Better though I ought to know
2.
My Only Mistake 04:20
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Blame it on your father Something in the water If I'm honest, I find truth a non-starter But my white lies are getting darker It's the dollar store confetti It's this fucking city We missed the rapture, babe, we just weren't ready Now we sit around regretting The grass got greener once again But if you keep on crossing that bridge is gonna break And I keep on making my only mistake It's the unrelenting weather Too much time together For a second I thought things were getting better But you're too fucked up, and I'm too clever Blame it on me baby Lover please forsake me I won't fix it and you know you can't make me I've been digging deeper lately We missed the high road once again But if you keep on crossing that bridge is gonna break And I keep on making my only mistake Yes I keep on making my only mistake Out on the fire escape, I watched my getaway car drive Some other passenger into the same polluted sunset we faced off against I couldn't look away till you did Faceless in the sudden dark "I thought things were already hard enough," you said And you stretched your hand across the bridge The grass is greener there I guess But if you keep on crossing that bridge is gonna break And if you keep complaining your friends are gonna flake And if you keep on drinking your thirst will never slake And if you keep on poking that dragon's gonna wake And if you keep on checking that pie will never bake And if you keep on asking my words will just sound fake And if you keep adjusting that noose will never take Because I keep on making my only mistake Yes I keep on making my only mistake
3.
Better 03:43
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I had my sinking ship and no one to save We had a couple drinks that colored your face I saw your hollow heart and picked out a space Said I've got nothing but come back to my place All bones and midnight phones, we tried to feel new You talked of former loves like I was one too I climbed the highest point of all that I knew You wouldn't come, you didn't care for the view Which after all is up to you You liked me broken, but I'm better Candlelit wounds we licked together All our last-ditch lines and borrowed lullabies Acting like lovers would You watched me rise as if you never could Darling I found something good Darling I found something good Meet me for coffee somewhere, promise I'll pay Tell me your stories, man they all sound the same The sun is slipping, minutes falling like rain You ask for hope then you refute it with pain I used to be your basket case You liked me broken, but I'm better Candlelit wounds we licked together All our last-ditch lines and borrowed lullabies Acting like lovers would You watched me rise as if you never could Darling I found something good You know I found something good And I can carry your umbrella You can carry my mascara But I can't carry you And you can't carry me You say you're happy for my happiness But if you could you would correct it So I could be like you And you could be like me How tragic we would be Which after all is what you seek You liked me broken, but I'm better Candlelit wounds we licked together All our last-ditch lines and borrowed lullabies Acting like lovers do You offered me the best life that you knew But I found something good Darling I found something good
4.
The Bakery 03:43
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Bad-luck weather, we'll meet in the parking lot Flour caught in your sleeves We could cancel the afternoon We could just watch the world between streaks on the windshield I bought you something that you'll never use You brought me some thin consolation But I don't want that, I want you Go back to the bakery Me I will sit and say your name Till it don't mean anything Then you and I will feel the same I know you're going home earlier every day But I'll make dinner, we'll eat in the laundry room Where the neighbors can't see At this point you've run through all your alibis I've got more but you don't seem to need them I watch you show up on my credit card I wash you back out of my sheets All the proof that you wanted me, gone Go back to your movie now Me I will sit here with my phone Reading reviews of how heartwarming it is I will know how your evening goes I know you never call this late anymore But I'll be here, all charged up Drafting witticisms while you make love to him I'll be here Cabinets full of the coffee you like I don't drink it but I'll be here Making cups Is it good? Is it right? Is it strong enough? I'll be here You'll be home Someday you'll pull the trigger and let me go I'll be here, parked down the road Safe in the laundry room, flour on my clothes I'll be everywhere alone Couple times I've stopped into the bakery You were there in the back Took my time counting dimes at the register But you never looked up through the glass I bought some croissants that I never ate I watched them get stale Honey, time has it in for the things you make Go back to the bakery Me I will sit and watch the rain Washing my love away Till then I speak and speak your name I know your husband's home He'll hear your key and he'll say: Look who's back from the bakery
5.
State Street 04:29
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You don't know me But I know your wife We had something long ago You don't know me But you must know what it's like to love that woman so You don't know me But I know the style of your kitchen sink And I know if you don't turn the handle right then the faucet leaks And I know all your cigarette secrets and shames I've seen it all before And it turned out not quite how I wanted but honestly I don't mind I passed you on State Street, man isn't life crazy, the passage of time as it changes her mind You don't know me But I've often thought I should take you out for lunch I would tell you how she broke your coffee pot And how she loves you very much You don't know this, but she's got a note hidden somewhere in her drawer You might find it as you put away her clothes It might not be there at all I'm not sorry for stealing the seconds I could If I can't anymore Then it turned out not quite how I wanted but honestly I don't mind I passed you on State Street, man isn't life crazy, the passage of time as it changes her mind You don't know me and you never will Just a stranger on the street You can pass without a speck of memory For that matter, so can she I don't know you but I know you're kind And you hide your worries well When you stopped me it was just to ask the time There was nothing more to tell I smiled, you kept pushing the stroller, I thought about asking her name But it turned out not quite how I wanted and honestly I don't mind Now she's got a baby, man isn't life crazy, the passage of time as it leaves us behind
6.
Relieved 04:56
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Darling you're welcome, I'm wearing mine out again Gritted your teeth and I'm bearing it out again Grass on my sleeves, hear the phones click to capture it How good we look in stills and slow motion I curate a smile, I can hang this one up on my face for a while And if anyone asks if I'm fine, I am fine, I am fine With my mouth laughing at your usual lines Tell them one more time how we met In case you forget why you still haven't left But there is a house I'm gunning for With our names on the mailbox or door Waking up slow, slate clean again No loose threads from the fight before I will not want to be anyone better than me You'll be relieved Don't tell your friends how I'm up again, down again This is a party and we are enjoying it I don't mind dancing, don't mind if we only sit, our elbows tucked in Everything tastes the same, your friends are wasted And I had some strategy, now I can't place it To talk myself round, calm me down, kick me out of my head But it's fixed on something that you could have said Man it could have salvaged the night You know I don't like making hell for you, right There is a house I'm gunning for With our names on the mailbox or door Waking up slow, slate clean again No loose threads from the fight before I will not want to be anyone better than me You'll be relieved Spilling your drinks and I'm spoiling your fun And I'm sorry but also can I just say one thing I've broken my promise to break no more promises But we wouldn't be here if you'd just been honest with me at the onset My heart in my hands and my flaws on your doorstep not part of your plans I've been spelling it out, I've been sucking it in And I'm sorry but also it's all I can give to the life that we're trying to live There is a house I'm gunning for with our names on the door Waking up slow, slate clean There is a house I'm gunning for With our names on the mailbox or door Waking up slow, slate clean again No loose threads from the fight before I will not want to be anyone better than me You'll be relieved
7.
15 Elizabeth 04:31
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15 Elizabeth, you take me home Here where our mothers said, when you know you'll know By the cathedral, the broken barn Parked on the hill was a false alarm We whispered back and forth: do you know? Do you know? Do you know if we're supposed to feel close to the life we've dreamed up? I feel close enough Oh take me home There's a garden out back with a view We've got plates and utensils for two There's a carpet we'll someday replace There's a mischievous look on your face There are mornings still, I'm not sure I know or if I ever will Where this can go So I drive round this city until I find my way home to 15 Elizabeth You take my coat Ask what I'm thinking, I'm sorry, I don't know Only they told me it goes by fast But I keep growing up and it never lasts Counting up lessons like, have I learned? Have I learned? Am I good to you now? Am I cured of irrational fear? I am when you're here Let's just go home There's a garden out back with a view We've got plates and utensils for two There's a carpet I wanna replace An unreadable look on your face There are mornings still, I'm not sure I know or if I ever will How much to say So I pace round our kitchen until you open your arms at 15 Elizabeth If you don't leave now, you may never get out If you don't leave now, we might figure this out If you don't leave now, I'll give up all these doubts If you don't leave now, I guess you want me around Oh take me home There's a garden all covered in snow As a teakettle sings on the stove And you're stoking the old fireplace With an infinite look on your face There are mornings still, I'm not sure I know or if I ever will What we can take So keep your arm round my shoulders Until we know that we know at 15 Elizabeth
8.
Don't You Though 03:48
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What does it mean, my awful temptress When you bleed outside my door You never knock, you block my exit Don't you want me anymore What can I be, my secret siren But your sailor, sunk for love Why do you sing? you think I'll struggle As if I haven't shipwrecked enough And every time I let go You're the creak in my bones You say you keep me standing Don't you though All your fire and I'm cold Even bliss it gets old Taking hits of my damaged antidote Don't I though What do you know, you smirking stranger What'll I risk for your reward Spades of love and diamond hours I'll bet anything I can afford How about this, my golden tempest I will spend weeks beyond your sun There in the dark I'll keep my promise And I'll crawl back to you when it's done Cuz every time I let go You're the creak in my bones You say you keep me standing Don't you though All your fire and I'm cold Even bliss it gets old Taking hits of my damaged antidote Don't I though And every time I let go You're the creak in my bones You say you understand me Don't you though I don't wanna let go You're the creak in my bones You're the devil that wants me Don't you though All your fire and I'm ashes Perfect bliss but it passes Never hold but I have it Over and over and over and over and over and oh
9.
Some Would Say 03:45
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Baby caught me going through the trash again I found a couple old receipts suggestive of a one-night stand But baby said, "You fill your head with fears instead of facts Honey that hotel bill is our anniversary plans" I been quiet like the eye of a summer storm Baby knows that something's brewing, but he can't be sure He tries to talk, he takes me for a walk, says "Sorry for whatever I did" But he should know the things he's sorry for So I don't tell him shit But I would have said Your privacy lies to me, it shuts me out Your kindness is a burden that I can't set down I love you, in my way Which is no way at all, some would say I take to reading all the post-its in his desk He reminds himself to make me dinner, kiss my head I hate that he is only sweet for my pure benefit Me I do those things cuz I just can't resist When baby showers now he takes along his phone Curiosity is eating me—I know he knows I seize my chance when it leaves his hands His ex is back in touch: "Happy birthday, friend, what's up?" He said: "Not much" And then he walks back in Your privacy lies to me, it shuts me out Your kindness is a burden that I can't set down I love you, in my way Which is no way at all, some would say Baby's leaving like I always knew he would I would take back all the times he caught me if I could He left behind some letters of mine in which I promised to be good But I can't control myself the way I should Your privacy lied to me, it shut me out Your kindness was a privilege and I let you down But I loved you, in my way Which is no way at all, some would say Yeah it ain't love at all, so they say
10.
Other People Get Lonely 04:14
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Leaving New York was an exercise in window-watching Guarding all the exits of the soul All my friends got these opinions on my good intentions Trying to shape the contours of the goal Because the goal is getting old with heartbreak they can hang their hats upon They're leaving flowers at the foot of my locked door I don't mind that anymore I been throwing out more shit than I've been buying Even letters have a best-by date, even when they're signed by you Used to keep those things for present you or future me But I'm shaking off my own subjunctive mood cuz the alternative is blue These people hang a near miss on the wall They point it out to almost-lovers that come through I've been guilty of it too I used to bleed, now I just bruise I reject condolence, I accept your spite Other people get lonely But I like coffee on a solitary afternoon Pacing round my underfurnished room Making blues sing because I saved them up to count for something You feel sorry for me You don't find that city boring, I do San Francisco was a sunny sort of purgatory Counting up the windows that I'd closed All your high-class friends had documented low-class hobbies But I smelled desperation on their clothes And in their pity I saw ghosts trying to settle some forgotten score You know, when I was sad I think you liked me more And I've been that way before But I think I passed the torch I accept your premise, I reject your spin Other people get even But I get coffee on a solitary afternoon Pacing round my underfurnished room Making blues sing because I saved them up to count for something You feel sorry for me You don't find that city boring, I do Back in New York we had one-night stands with restaurants we swore that we'd go back to someday I still think about my high heels in the city crowd It made a certain person out of me and if I miss her that's okay I leave before the curtain call of love They're bottled up at every exit now The stage is bare and time's already up Trying to squeeze out every drop As for me, I got enough I reject your thesis, I accept your thoughts All these people want reasons I just got coffee on a solitary afternoon Paced around my underfurnished room Making you songs because I lost the plot of who we were I feel sorry for you that you can't be happy for me I wish you were
11.
Where You Want 04:21
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What a curious rage What a wasted stage Honey you can say what you want, go where you want, do who you want to What a scripted scab God you must have worked on that Listen you believe what you want, I never thought of her it's all you But in the dark of your mind I stain you like a flare of light Honey if you trusted me we'd be all right I won't tell them anything about you All your madness, and your miracles too That's our private truth You got your receipts of what I can't do Got my measure, honey I won't argue That's your personal view Where's it taking you? I think you'd like my place You know how I need my space Lately I can go where I want, see who I want, sleep if I want to I haven't seen her since Not as if you need convinced Baby it was you that I wanted till you got rid of your common sense But in the glow of the light I see you like the twist of night Honey you're the shadowed edge of my new life But I won't tell them anything about you All your madness, and your miracles too That's our private truth You got your receipts of what I can't do Got my measure, honey I won't argue That's your personal view Where's it left you? I don't want to go anywhere new Your words may be loud but they're still not the truth I give you my love but you want some excuse I ask for your patience, you ask for my proof This is your stage, we play by your rules But this is my love you elect to lose Every time you go where you want to So go where you want, love me or not, I've had enough too Go where you want, tell who you want, I only want you Do what you want, tell me I'm not yours, but I used to be, I used to be Go where you want, tell who you want, I only want you Do what you want, tell me I'm not yours, but I used to be, I used to be
12.
Marianne 05:04
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Marianne calls from the sea The air here is sweet, she says, but, she says, she's out of money so please The wire comes in and she's gone like the breeze Her parents drive up to the coast Her picture is old, they say, but, they say, if you see Marianne, call Vacationers shake their heads no Hope you find her though Jacob's apartment is full The names are a blur, he says, but, he says, I'll sell you something for sure The colors are never so pure as when purchased And Marianne wakes on the couch Toothbrush in mouth, she says, baby I'm staying till you kick me out So that's a few years crossed out somehow Chasing cerulean foam And the dealers tap out, but the fates never fold Counting cards you don't believe in Honey I've crossed your kind in back alleys before Selling all the family secrets So they can get close to cerulean youths that they know They know, they know take one hit more Marianne always makes friends The world is fucked up, they say, but, they say, come this way I've got enough It's a thin kind of transient love, but it's touching And Marianne swears there was blue last time she tried it Says I don't know why it's not working with you like it used to do Is that true for you too? Chasing cerulean glow And the dealers tap out, but the fates never fold Counting cards you don't believe in Honey I've crossed your kind in back alleys before Selling all the family secrets So they can get close to cerulean youths that they know They know, they know take one hit more Marianne, tell me the score You're here at my door, just say you're okay I'll make sure of that but no more I'm not what you're looking for Marianne where have you been? You've seen the world, you say, curling its tail and unfurling again It's cold outside, you should come in for a minute I won't call your parents, I won't tell a soul Just promise you'll stay while I get you a coat Marianne where'd you go Chasing cerulean ghosts And your world got washed out But I see you in gold Colors that you don't believe in Honey I've crossed your mind But I never could hold Take me back before you'd seen it So we could get close to cerulean blues cuz I know I know, I know we'd make our own
13.
Best Bet 04:56
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I will blow my paycheck at the farmer's market I will carry baskets home Farm-fresh eggs for breakfast, dirty heads of lettuce I'll dress up in summer clothes And if you wanna call on me I swear I'll be alone I've been running circles, Sisyphean uphills I've been rivals with the road Man I'm still unpacking baggage from the last unmasking Cut the leash on losses, let 'em go And everything I say I've said a million times before But this time is gonna stick to me Therapy's convincing me I just have it in for me I'm not a victim, I'm part of a system of cells And we're not doing too well Cannons aimed at myself in case I risk it all I will settle all my debts and I'll throw out expired checks And I'll be careful with the rest I'll be introspective All my habits stand corrective Tucking in the edges of the mess And if you never call again it's probably for the best I will water plants and I'll put on real pants And I'll invest in loose-leaf tea I'll forget your birthday, spend it like a normal workday You will check your phone and think of me And how in love I used to be Cuz this time is gonna stick to me Therapy's convincing me I just have it in for me I'm not a victim, I'm part of a system of cells And we're not doing too well Cannons aimed at myself in case I risk it all You're my best bet All's not lost yet You're nice and you said I should make then lie in this bed You're my best bet All's not lost yet You're nice and you said I should make then lie in this bed Still narcissistic Mildly fetishistic Paint your pedestal in rose String of sorry lovers Danger to myself and others Shouldn't use my teeth to pull you close But you're so distant when I don't This time is gonna stick to me Therapy's convincing me I just have it in for me I'm not a victim, I'm part of a system of cells And we're not doing too well Cannons aimed at myself in case I risk it all (You're my best bet All's not lost yet You're nice and you said, I should make then lie in this bed)
14.
Idiot Summer 03:23
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Cat-sit one more idiot summer You cancel like a friend, but you kiss me like a lover Yeah you do You're on my list of things to lose Cast in one more idiot silence They ask me for the truth and I tell it with a violence that appalls They didn't want the truth at all And so I go to your house Eat your words, spit mine out I'm no good in this town I'm no good for you now But no one's gonna find us on your basement couch Take me down I wander through the streets of your subconscious Secrets I could do without I wanna be great to you, safe for you, and happy too Idiot summer The money's all gone so we borrow from our mothers and we run Your skin is rough under my tongue Text me one more idiot Sunday I don't gotta come, which you don't gotta tell me but you do Are you tired of me too? Cuz trust me I could drive past your house Call your friends, ask 'em out You're no good to me now You're no good for me now But no one's gonna find us on your basement couch Kick me out I wander through the sidewalks of your suburb Staking out your parents' house I wanna be cruel to you, too cool for you, and happy too Chalk this up to idiot summer I pass you in the halls, you look just like all the others Yeah you do All the others look like you And so I block the calls that don't come I take the face on my eyelids off And then you're gone Good for you, great for you, I was happy to I wanna be good to you, safe for you, and happy too I wanted to wait for you, crazed by you, and happy too I wanna be straight with you, made for you, and happy too I wanna be saved for you, too late for you, and happy too
15.
Get Up 04:10
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The funeral was chaos Your father's mistress made a scene For what it's worth I always thought she was sweet And you'd stopped smoking for good So I told them we'd misplaced our keys And we politely escaped to the trees You look good in dark dark gray But sadness looks so out of place on your sweet contented face Come on, I love you, get up Some things not even death can touch Get up, I love you, come on Life is random, baby, god is dumb Your stereo was broken But my aux was in our automatic So we sang along to static And I had holes in my teeth Honey you had them all in your sneakers Our love could not get any cheaper You've missed every single note I laugh till I misplace my throat at your morbid dirty jokes Come here, I love you, slow down Let's wind our way through empty towns Slow down, I love you, come here I'm a comet through your atmosphere That's it, I love you, let's go We're driving till the credits roll Let's go, I love you, that's it I'll love you when we don't exist When we don't exist Dreams are stained all up my sleeves This planet's sinking into the seas And you're smiling in your sleep We got no way of knowing What our little lives are gonna leave So beg and we plead and we drop to our knees And we pray for a love we can keep And you're smiling in your sleep
16.
Falling Behind 03:51
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I must have walked you home a thousand times in my mind And I loved you for falling behind, yes I loved you for falling behind We talked of dizzy things; I wasn't like how I thought I'd be You fell into step with a version of me that until that day I'd never seen And then you asked me if I'd call you: of course You're stored in my phone forever I bought you groceries, I watered your fiddle leaf I loved you with the gaze of a thief on a diamond he's got no hope to keep I counted every sign: he loves me not, he loves me fine I'm no soothsayer babe, I got no sooth to say But I'm right on time to ask you once again if you're mine If so, forget I asked a thing If not, then please explain to me how I've got your number on the emergency line I've got your picture on the fridge of my mind You know I walk slow and I was falling behind Till you pulled up at my side There were nights back then, I couldn't sleep, I was scared to dream Up unstitching my seams, flood you with the truth of me But baby you don't drown, you're stronger than anything And when I got up I could feel your stitches still inside of me So when you tell me I can call you, I do Midnight, any time, whenever I've got your number on the emergency line I've got your picture on the fridge of my mind You know I walk slow and I was falling behind Till you pulled up at my side I've got your number on the emergency line I've got your picture on the fridge of my mind You know I walk slow and I was falling behind Till you pulled up at my side Up at my side Up at my side

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released August 26, 2021

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Devon Halliday Athens, Ohio

athens ohio singer/songwriter

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